I hit my husband

My husband and I have been married for 10 years and have been in and out of couples therapy. He has emotionally abused me for all 10 years of our marriage.

This past weekend he was holding me in contempt over something I said (I think it was asking if my brother could come visit our children) and I confronted him about it. “I am sick of being treated like this,” or something to that effect.

He told me I could hit him if it would make me feel better. I hit him (more than twice my size) in the arm repeatedly while I whisper screamed that I hated him so we wouldn’t terrify my 3 year old who was waiting for me downstairs.

He laughed the whole time. I feel traumatized. I don’t even entirely remember the whole incident but I feel so humiliated and like now he has the ammunition he needs to make me deserving of all of the terrible treatment.

I feel humiliated about losing my cool like that. It’s just not who I am. I don’t know what to do next. I feel stuck in a whirlwind of shame.