I let myself down

I think I let myself down when I entered my relationship. It has really good parts. It has parts that I’m not satisfied with. I don’t know if I should go or stay.

I think I could let myself stay and just be happy and let my regret go, but I can’t shake this obsession with fixating on how I might have let myself down when I started it/stayed in it, and I can’t shake fixating on what if I’m ruining my life by choosing this relationship instead of leaving and just being alone or maybe finding someone better suited with a less complicated/messy past that I have all these painful, sticky, relentless thoughts about.

I know that I take myself with me everywhere and I know that my Cs do not create my Fs. I know that I can just decide to stay or decide to leave. I know that there is no right answer. I mostly like my reasons for staying but I also know that I stay in part out of scarcity and fear.

I mostly don’t like my potential reasons for leaving, but I also recognize that I have a couple valid and good/solid reasons to leave that I would be happy with, namely religious differences and also seeing some ways that he is that will not change that are difficult to deal with.

Like I could of course manage my mind and I’ve been trying but I could also just not. It’s been a long time and I’m like “am I torturing myself when I should just give up this fight? Should it not be this hard?” I know I could be happy either way. I just keep trying to let myself stay and be happy but I can not let this go.

I don’t know, I’m so tired of fighting with myself about this. I’m obsessed.