I am a middle-aged single woman with no kids who rents a large studio apartment in the middle of a big city and has spoiled housecats. Every day I am self-conscious of how much mockery and pity is directed at women who fit that description. But I love my little apartment, neighborhood, my privacy, my time alone, and my cats.

Every day I spin in indecision about buying a house (that I don’t want) so I can impress people and be seen as more normal and less “pathetic.” I don’t date because I know I will be seen as weird. I decided if I’m going to buy anything it will be a condo. But the hassle of moving annoys me intensely. And I want to save for a larger down payment. My parents and friends and even boss have shared their opinions and advice that I am being foolish for not buying, even though I have done the math and can prove that my inexpensive rent and saving and investing are doing just as well as buying would.

I waste HOURS a day having a conversation in my head with my parents, friends, and boss about why I don’t want to buy, how I look every weekend and can’t find a place I love, and it’s not going to make me more money to buy something now. I look at real estate listings and go to open houses.

I don’t understand myself.

Am I afraid to buy, because that’s a change I’m afraid of?
More, I’m afraid to stop looking, What if something perfect comes up and I miss it?

Something perfect that I don’t even want?

It would have to be perfect enough for me to really love it and not have any of the common features I dislike (I intensely dislike sliding glass doors on the first floor and fireplaces), for it to be affordable and make me more money than my savings and investments, and impress people.

C: I’m a renter with the opportunity to buy
T: I have to buy, it’s what’s expected of me
F: Pressured
A: Obsess on finding the perfect place which does not exist — spend hours looking when I could spend those hours on other goals
R: Still a renter

C: I’m a renter with an opportunity to buy
T: I like renting but others don’t want me to rent
F: Ashamed
A: Obsess on all the ways I am wrong and my life is wrong and I’m doing it all wrong
R: Still a renter feeling ashamed about it

In order to create an intentional model I need to know what I want my result to be, right? I can choose to enjoy my life as it is. I can choose to buy something and enjoy that. But I’m not choosing either one.