A friend of mine who lives close by invited me on walks often during Covid. We ended up cuddling one night once social gatherings were permitted again and spent the rest of the weekend together. It sent me into an anxiety spiral because I didn’t want to have a crush on him because I thought it would distract me from getting things done. Yet, I LOVED cuddling so much. I found myself trying to recreate situations in which we would cuddle again and getting super let down and frustrated when it didn’t happen. (Trying to control!)

And then we had another amazing experience together backpacking a few weeks ago and I hadn’t laughed so hard in such a long time. I only allowed myself to cuddle a little because I don’t know him that well yet and I was afraid of getting attached before knowing him. Regardless, I feel attached. I loved how much we were spending time together and that it was mostly he-initiated, but I also had so much anxiety about it because I didnt know if he was just trying to sleep with me or if he was into me like wants to date. And whats even the difference? He says he never wants a relationship and I was trying to take his words as truth and avoid cuddling because I DO want a relationship (not necessarily immediately). Now it feels like we are in one just because of the dynamic between us- I am feeling so uncomfortable BECAUSE he’s told me he doesn’t want a relationship and I still like him and want to spend time with him because we enjoy the same things and have an amazing time together. And I LOVE cuddles.

Now some things have happened that I’ve made mean he doesn’t like me anymore, he’s just not that into me, etc but find myself questioning my own actions and wondering if maybe it’s because I expressed confusion with my own actions. I know I’ve told him I don’t think we should cuddle but also continued to cuddle. I know I’ve told him he’s distracting, I need to work, I don’t think we should go camping alone (even though I want to), and have been the first to point out his flaws (mainly because they are things that trigger me.. like he’s left trash in my car several times. He was complaining after 5 minutes of shooting a video project I wanted to do one weekend when he told me he wanted to help. I told him I’m doing it myself from now on because I can’t handle the complaining (but I really don’t want to do it alone, I was enjoying that he originally wanted to help me, I just don’t feel good while someone is complaining, I feel pressured) And he told me he’d call me back and to make a weekend plan for us one weekend and he never called back and it was right after telling him I liked him. It triggered so many thoughts for me, I ended up in a spiral and depression. He apologized, but I couldn’t let it go and began to get more passive aggressive and critical with him. So now that I’ve done those things, I am asking myself if now because of that is why he seems more distant and less eager to hang out.

Just because I am feeling like he is criticizing me (he’s said I’m too much and makes a lot of gaslight type comments like Sheesh. It’s just a joke. It’s just xyz. etc) doesn’t make it okay for me to criticize him. And it might just be that our schedules dont work anymore now that things are going back to normal, BUT I THINK something is wrong. I want to believe that nothing is wrong because then I’d be at peace. But I feel compulsive desire to solve this and have a conversation about it RIGHT NOW and when it’s not working out to get together and talk, I’m feeling defeated. I’m feeling like it’s ruined, we won’t cuddle again. It’ll never be anything (and obviously then that is a bad thing). Why did it happen in the first place? Why did someone have to come along and give me a tiny little taste of what I want and then disappear?

So I find myself reaching out to him more and that makes me feel needy and desperate and I don’t want to be that. Yet he went from reaching out to me regularly asking what I wanted to do, being down for anything, to going to his own things and not inviting me and hardly talking just like that within a few weeks. I never thought this pattern could play out so fast! We haven’t even kissed and I am an anxious mess.

I’ve been trying to do thought downloads about this, but I feel so stuck and think I’m not making any progress. A healthy relationship is something I want SO BAD and have SUCH a story about why I can’t have one and don’t deserve one and no one will ever want me forever. I think I’ll never get past this and find someone who loves me for me and my crazy anxiety.. (I don’t want to think that!)

Help! I don’t think I even know where to begin, even though I recognize so many of where it’s my thinking, not judging them is hard for me because I also think if I could just believe something better, we might be working out!I don’t want to keep waking up and going to bed with anxiety over him looking for validation when I know it comes from within.