It’s been a hell of a rollarcoaster day today. It started with me literally begging to have my question answered by Brooke today in the coaching call. It was about not being able to stop smoking (or buffering in general). As if SHE was the person who could save me, as if something external could righten my world. I’m a fuckin’ pro at that. Looking for something outside of myself to somehow make me ok. To make me at peace with my body.

This poor lovely body that I have damaged now permenantly. Put anything in a pipe and I would smoke it. And the cigarettes. Seriously? I have damaged my body and abused it, feelings, I’m having them. I’ve been doing it all along. I am feeling feelings. But wait… by the end of my day, after a long, short-staffed shift in the ER, I got in my car, and I heard words that rocked my universe and made me question every belief I had. Even the one about being an empath and being able to sense energies in my body.

I have a Reiki practitioner who I see every week, she gets my chakras open and spinning. The energy I feel is visceral, I feel it in my core. I know. I feel vibes. But I always give off good vibes of love and healing. I can fluff auras and do it often to my coworkers for a little lift. It’s all about love energy. My special connection to the Universe. My gift, or my curse? Having a connection with energies that are so strong for me that I feel like I’ll be overtaken. Having a soul connection with another human that is so connected that I feel our souls joining. Connection. I say it again and again. Why? Why is connection all over the place?

I was so angry today that Brooke didn’t pick me today. But, after work, I got in the car to go home and these words were said that shook me to my core. I have heard them several times already but this time I actually heard… From The Life Coach School podcast 372, Brooke said “Be present with whatever is going on in my body from a NEUTRAL position.” Woah! Stop right there. I have just finished doing Models on most of all of my beliefs, I have realized that pretty much all of my beliefs were formed to support the feelings that I had as a traumatized five-year little girl.

My anxiety was high today. Was everything a lie? The energy I feel? Actually feel? Am I only believing it? Why do I believe it? Is it just neuroplasticity? Neurons firing off neurotransmitters and giving me a good dopamine hit. I love to have me a dopamine hit. Am I a sham? Who the fuck am I anyway? You can see it was a difficult day. My brain was spinning and exacerbated by all the various stimulants I consume. I rewound what Brooke said and it changed me forever. I hear again… “Be present with whatever is going on within my body…” oh….my….god…. crying and forgiveness because I know my body is special.

Not only do I feel energies, I was a professional dancer in musical theater productions for many years before nursing school. I know my center. My center is my power. When I was performing, people were amazed at how many turns I could do. I felt talented and gifted. I am a dancer. I feel music in my body and it is wonderful. I like this about me. It feels good, it feels right. But is this, too, just another brain feedback loop? Sweet baby Jesus. Stop. Just stop.

I have just learned that my beliefs are being supported to continue by my R:line. “Be present with whatever is going on withIN your body from a NEUTRAL experience. And be able to change that, as needed, if WANTED from the inside out… experience without judgment… I am the watcher, the feeler…” omg I AM a feeler! I am a feeler of wonderful, positive, loving, quirky energies and I love that about me.

I made the decision that I believed that about myself, I felt good about it. I chose my belief on purpose. Hooray for me I’m doing it! I am actually learning to change my thoughts, beliefs, habits. And, I am doing it on my own. I didn’t need Brooke, or anything outside myself, it was there all along, waiting for me to come back. My center. My grounding. My connection. What I always dreamed of. Connection with unconditional love. All I had to do was look within. A very difficult day had a surprise at the end. I remembered me for the first time. Thank you Life Coach School. I just forgot that I should always be dancing.