C: I am at a restaurant resort on a body of water by myself
T: I really wish I had somebody to share my life with
A: I text three guys I’m talking to, text my sister, spend time on my phone, don’t get a drink at dinner to avoid buffering (but this action probably comes from the feeling of “determined” and the thought “I’m going to do things differently”), I do some work on my computer, I still don’t think I fully allow the feeling of lonely even though I’m not actively buffering. Actually, I think the feeling is actually “desire.”
R: I don’t develop intimacy with myself
You see, I don’t WANT to feel unrequited desire. This feeling sucks. I want my desire to be filled. But it is not. It is open, looming, and I am left feeling like I am *wanting* more. That feeling of “longing,” that pining for something that is not. I know that it is an argument with reality. I know that I need to allow the feeling to be.
I judge this model. I shouldn’t be longing. I should be able to feel good without a partner. Until I feel good without a partner, I’ll never find one.
I generally just don’t like the feeling of longing, of unfulfilled desire. I’m a bit confused about whether I’m supposed to just feel the feeling, OR if I’m supposed to create the feeling I want.
A few things I can come up with are:
– I have the feeling of unfulfilled desire right now, and that’s okay (but I don’t really think it’s okay. I want a partner, and I don’t think getting rid of my desire for one will help. I feel like I’ve spent so much of my life lonely, that I am so tired of it).
– I have the feeling of unfulfilled desire right now because I’m thinking a thought that causes the feeling of unfulfilled desire
What do I do with this? I guess since I can’t find other thoughts that are believable, that I haven’t really felt the feeling?
It feels like something that is a deep blue color, kind of like a deep blue vortex going into my solar plexus. Kind of like a whirlpool or empty pit. It causes a kind of choking up sensation in my throat. A wave of heaviness on my shoulders and head. I have images in my head of how I think I’d be if I were in a happy relationship with somebody, and nothing seems to really live up to my image (which is a thought). I think that under this feeling is the thought that “I’m doing everything wrong,” or “I’m missing out.”
I guess ultimately I have thoughts about my model that “I shouldn’t be feeling this way,” or “I should be past this,” and “I have to get over this feeling before I’ll find a partner.” I think it’s possible that these thoughts are blocking me from allowing the emotion to be fully experienced.
Let’s take a look.
C Feeling of loneliness
T. I have to get over this feeling before I can find a partner
A. I write models, I actually focus MORE on the feeling of loneliness in trying to get it to go away
R. I feel more lonely and make it impossible to get over the feeling to find a partner
Okay, so that’s illuminating.
C. Feeling of loneliness
T. I should be past this by now
A. Well, I feel more shame which I’m pretty sure blocks all emotions from coming up. Shame makes me hide parts of myself, it makes me dive more into thought work and self improvement, which has become a little bit of a buffer habit. So it creates more shame. Shame is not really conducive to intimacy with myself or with another. It keeps me from connecting with the humans and people in my immediate environment now.
R. I don’t get past this
And one more:
C. Feeling of loneliness
T. I shouldn’t be feeling this way
A. Try to fix myself
R. Create more shame by relentlessly trying to fix myself
Okay, this seems to be more clear now. I guess I WANT to believe that I’ve done nothing wrong, loneliness is perfectly normal and just tells me that I want a partner, there’s nothing I have to fix about myself, I want to believe that I can feel lonely and I can be there for myself in my loneliness anyway.
Now that raises a much better question. How can I be there for myself when I feel lonely? I think the answer is to have compassion for myself.
By asking myself “how do I feel toward the part of me that feels lonely” I want to answer that question with the word “compassionate.”
Is the answer here just to feel lonely and let it be? I’m lonely because I’m away on a work trip and I’m by myself at a beautiful resort and there are happy coupled people all around me. All I’m thinking is that I want that and I don’t have it. Please help!
I guess I want to believe that “I have a 100% fulfilling and loving relationship with myself.” Or, that “I can have a fulfilling relationship with myself AND I can still desire a partner.” Or, is it that I don’t believe I will find the perfect partner?
I feel stuck in my head with all this and am not totally sure how to get out.