I think I am in the middle of a break up and I am feeling crappy about it.
I was experimenting with some intentional thoughts like
“He set me free” “I want to be with someone who is a better fit.” “It will be nice to be with someone whose life aligns more with mine.” “I don’t want to be with him anyway.”
Only other thoughts come in about how I liked being with him, miss him, and most importantly that I am usually not the one leaving relationships.
I have the belief to some degree that you can be partners with nearly anyone if you both decide to do it and treat each other with love, care, kindness and passion and you are willing to keep showing up. So I date people with different lifestyles, attitudes, habits.
Of course there are some things that don’t work for me… drugs, extremes of achievement addiction or laziness, smoking, meanness. And I fit best with health-minded people who like nature and movement, and are interested in intellectual pursuits. So I’m not without preferences, but I am worried I tolerate differences too much or I don’t think it is that big of a problem when we have a disagreement.
Anyway, I’m worried that something is wrong with me because I may be the one who brings up an issue, the other person usually (not always) ends the relationship. The last two did. Often even when I’m the one who initiates some sort of distancing or break, then the other person often finishes it off.
So, I think something is wrong with me because this pattern happens.
I’ve even tried to practice being the one who says goodbye on the phone first, or says they have to go.
It’s not that I’m not busy and with nothing to do, but once I’ve made the time to talk with someone, I don’t tend to be the person to end the conversation.
Another example that seems like there is something wrong with me.
Before it used to seem like I was just being generous, kind, or patient, but now I’m worried I have some sort of bigger holding on problem or something.