I thought I enjoyed my own presence until I saw the Intro video to "How to Enjoy Being Yourself"

What I’m currently experiencing is interesting. For so long, I genuinely thought that I LOVED my own presence, and I want to give myself credit because if loving yourself is a scale of 1-10 (10 being full self-love) I am definitely way closer to the 10 and get closer every day. There is part of that video that really hit me which mentioned something along the lines of thinking we love ourselves but it’s really loving the experience of other people relative to us. I forgot exactly what the video said.

It also touched on buffering a bit. I just realized I buffer A LOT. I never thought “buffering with people” was considered buffering, and I am noticing so many thoughts judging myself for buffering:

“I shouldn’t be doing this.”
“Buffering is bad.”
“Buffering is a weak thing to do.”
“I am clearly running away from something.”

Then when I ask myself why I buffer a lot of these thoughts came up:

“I should be living on my own by now at 26.”
“I need more money.”
“I’m not as attractive as (insert person here).”
“I wish I was taller.”
“I want to go hang out with someone.”
“This boredom is too much.”
“I shouldn’t feel tired.”
“I shouldn’t feel low vibration.”
“I can choose my thoughts so I should stop thinking about this.”

It’s crazy how all of this is coming up, and I kind of wasn’t realizing it cause I was buffering. I almost feel overwhelmed about this discovery of my buffering:

C- me buffering
T- There is so much thought work left to do.
F- overwhelmed
A- buffer more (I actually really want to have a drink right now as I write this), worry about thought work, compare myself to other coaches and influencers and creatives and perceive them as “ahead of me,” beat myself up for living at home, inaction, avoid feeling, smoke weed, play video games, distract with friends
R- create more “work to do”

Writing this out like this is definitely helping. I am noticing that every time I am in these super heavy/overwhelmed states, coming to ask a coach is one of the best things I can do. As I write this, I am feeling it out, stopping, breathing, experiencing and it feels better. I want to have fun doing thought work when it feels “heavier” for some reason doing thought work on buffering feels like such a heavy thing to do versus doing thought work on a “more fun goal” (like money, relationships, fitness, business, etc.)

In advance thank you for your support. Part of me feels like weird even about sharing this on SCS ask a coach, yet this is literally the safest place for me to explore my mind. 🙂