I want my confidence back!!


As I write this I feel weak and embarrassed. I don’t like being vulnerable. Posting opens me up to judgement I am not sure I can handle. But I want help, so here it goes.
I feel very sad this morning. Last night I had dreams about childhood friends that reached back out to me in my mid 20s then all but virtually disappeared. I’m making it mean it was because I am different than I was back when they knew me. When they knew me, I was confident, strong, opinionated, intelligent, witty, talented, magnetic-I drew everyone in. There was nothing I would touch that wouldn’t succeed. I felt like King Midas!! I feel so different now. The person they were familiar with seemed to disappear around my early 20s and I have been searching for her ever since. I’m so tired….sad, frustrated, angry even.
I am now becoming aware these feelings/thoughts are constantly just below the surface. What brought them to light most recently was having received an invitation to their 20th high school reunion even though I only attended until the 8th grade (it was a small K-12 private school). My initial thought was, “There is no way I’m going to that. Then they’ll all realize how much I’ve changed…for the worse. It will be awful.” However, when I sit back and think about it, I would really like to go. It would be wonderful to see everyone and that time period in my life was one where I felt so accepted, loved, supported, understood, able to thrive, etc.
I know I’m indulging in a lot of different negative emotions here (which makes me feel worse). But these are the genuine thoughts and feelings I’m grappling with right now. I long for freedom…consistent, authentic freedom from these. The effects of feeling this way spill over into every aspect of my life and knowing that makes me so sad. Thank you in advance for your feedback.