I Want to Be Able to Love My Husband Even When…. Part 3

Combining AAC answers to my two last posts in here:

“There is a duality of emotion that we sometimes don’t consider. We can feel proud and angry, compassionate and frustrated, etc. at the same time. It’s another facet of the 50/50 concept. Sometimes we feel the complete 50/50 within a few hours or even a few minutes. Keep managing your mind and continue teaching by example all that is possible when we allow ourselves and others to be fully human.”

Oh I really like this. Thank you.

“What will be the next teaching opportunity you will find in the curriculum we call life?”
It is daily right now… 🙂
Frankly as much teaching myself moment to moment, as teaching my children.
I have noticed how much my thoughts have slowed way way way down…
I literally can pause in a moment, notice what I’m thinking and feeling, and choose a different T.
That is happening daily this week as I continue this navigation alongside my husband and daughter having their “relationship.”
I notice how I want to act out to him when he speaks normally to me, as if he hadn’t shouted at her and said other words, and instead redirect my mind in a way that allows me to show up to him how I want to. Not as a reaction to how I felt when he shouted.

“Notice how involved you are in the relationship between your husband and daughter. You have a manual for him in his communication with your daughter.”
Yes I see that. And whilst I am doing so much better at that this time – I have the T “but it is very scary when he shouts” And so I do have a manual that at least he shouldn’t shout at our kids or shutdown and ignore them when I am in another country, as per our summer plans for 5 days. I am all for teaching them in words and by example, but it is different for me to imagine it happening without me being there to do that with them. I have a T “irreparable damage may be done.”  Am open to not having this T so am open to coaching on it.

What would it look like for you to allow them to navigate their relationship and you release yourself from the responsibility to make it all better for them? That is where you create resentment. You may think that you have to manage everyone’s feelings and it is a burden (and also very tiring). What if it’s not your burden to carry? What if the only relationships you have to manage is yours with your husband and your relationships with your children?

Yes, totally. And I have put down so much of that burden this time. But there’s still some.

Here’s another facet to the conversation between my husband and daughter on the weekend:

She told him he needed to “take it back” (his words that she had a beautiful body for the dress).
I understand where he was coming from. We both tell our kids they are beautiful and smart and other compliments often. I can see where he might have been confused and that this could be classed as a manual for sure that my daughter has for her father “shouldn’t say words specifically about body type”. I wish that he understood why she wouldn’t like that, to me it also feels like it’s sexualizing a girl, or simply speaking in bias or judgement that is uncalled for, even if it’s meant as a compliments. I have felt it many times too in my life. Today we are all a lot more aware than one generation ago.

But when she told him he “had to take it back” (her only mistake in my opinion, because it’s a manual), he then said what really upset her and what I also strongly dislike, to try to explain himself to her. He said “another girl who is chubby would look ugly in the same dress. You look beautiful because you have a thin body”. Something like that – he speaks a different language and so sometimes the translation to English is more abrupt than he may mean in his language. But still….

My daughter is now telling me that I should tell him that is not okay. That in her English class they are learning about prejudices and biases. It feels 100% wrong and off to her that simultaneously her father is demonstrating the opposite of what she is learning. I told her the reason I haven’t said it to him is I have work to do first because at the moment I know I’d feel more dependent on him getting it and understanding. I need to get myself to the place of being okay if he doesn’t.

And, I taught her a little more about manuals again, which I’d already spoken to her and my son about on the weekend after my husband shouted at her.

I told her I don’t know how to articulate it to him without getting tongue tied right now but also that unfortunately he “can” say these things, because he does.

She then said something that I think might work for me. She said I could tell my husband that he can’t expect her to be happy about it if/when he says something like that.

Whilst of course, he can expect what he wants, it is a step better than just telling him he can’t say things like that.

But this for sure feels like different ground than just regular not having boundaries.

Just as it would around racism.

Prejudices and biases…… I can see why my daughter wants me to tell him it’s unacceptable to make comments like the one he did. Isn’t it? Where would we draw the line?

I suppose, at the end of the line, our boundary is that if he (or anyone) says words like that, we will leave or at least leave the conversation etc.
I’ve actually done it a few times with him myself recently. With much smaller things. He makes a comment about a driver with flags/Trump signs etc being “so dumb” and I simply don’t respond. Same with any other judge comments he makes about other people. I just don’t get involved. At best it feels patronizing (when it’s a compliment), at worst biased or prejudiced. I’ll tell my daughter I’ve been doing that. And I’ll continue to do it. I think he’ll get the message, but either way I feel good with my boundary.

I’m so open to coaching/feedback on this please. Thank you.