I want to feel better!

I have had this problem for about 3 years now. I’ve been struggling with leaving my partner. I have been people-pleasing since day one. I knew going into the relationship it would end eventually.

Well, I’ve made plans to move out. Signed a new lease, transferred all our current utilities to their name so they can stay in our current apartment.

I think they may still be in a little bit of denial even though all signs point to my legitimate departure on Oct 1. I think they believe it’s just a break and I’ll be back in 6 months.

I feel extremely sad for them. They do not want me to leave and they cry every single day. I love this person, we are just not right for each other. I feel very sad that they are sad, and I wish I had the power to take that sadness away from them.

I also pity them a bit. They have never lived on their own. They’ve never had to do their own laundry, clean, cook, pay utilities/rent, or anything like that on their own.

I try on thoughts like:
-This is such an incredible opportunity for them to learn some new skills.

-It’s fairer for them for me to leave since I was never 100% in. They deserve someone who is completely committed.

-They can do hard things. They will be fine.

-This is the best decision for both of us.

-Their feelings are not my responsibility, their feelings are a product of their thoughts.

Although I know, intellectually, these thoughts are all “true”, I still have a hard time believing them and generating peace and assurance.

I keep imagining Oct 1 in my head. I keep imagining the thoughts and feelings that saying a tear-felt goodbye will bring. It prevents me from focusing on the task at hand, packing my things. It also is preventing me from feeling excited about this new chapter of life that I’m about to embark on. I’m robbing myself of feeling peace because of my guilt, pity, grief, and sadness.

I think it’s OK to feel these things at times, however, I wish it was easier to give equal airtime towards the excitement I have for the new adventure I’m heading on.