I want to move forward in my life


I want to change my thoughts and feelings about a circumstance in my life. I feel stuck and am struggling to move forward in my life.

I dated a married man for over a year and a half. We live 3200 miles away from one another and it’s been a tumultuous relationship. I have and continue to put boundaries up (i.e. stop following on social media, block on social media at times, blocked his number at times, letting him know what I will and won’t tolerate). He continues to pursue me and won’t let me go but I haven’t had the courage to block him again. I love him despite how toxic it has been at times. I’m sure this relationship was and continues to be an attachment.

The relationship hasn’t always been bad and we have a very strong attraction to each other, probably the strongest connection I have ever had with a man. I have also never been treated this way in any of my other relationships.

I think what the hell I am doing continuing to spend so much time on a relationship like this. There are so many red flags and things I don’t want or stand for and all of this makes me feel a little lost and like I need to love myself.

I am kind to myself and I do things for me that nurture myself by working out, eating healthily, drinking water, mediating, saying nice things to myself/affirmations.

I have tried to take my power back but he continues to contact me even after he has told me that he will never contact me again. I honor his requests and I don’t contact him. This doesn’t last long and he is always the first to initiate contact with me again.
When he gets in touch the situation repeats itself, it usually starts out with a kind conversation but ends up with him telling me that I am hurtful and that he has never been treated this way.

I have told him before and I know I have to tell him again that the only way we can communicate is if or when he ever leaves his marriage. I want to heal so I can be more of myself and grow and have the opportunity for better relationships with friends, myself and a potential partner.
But I am stuck because I love him and his last contact with me was the most supportive he’s been. I got to see the guy I fell in love with. I know it all doesn’t matter because he’s still married. Not sure where to go from here.