I was doing so good until…

I lost about 24lbs with stop overeating and with weight loss being my impossible goal. I was eating in a way that I thought I could sustain for the rest of my life, and things got a little messy when I put a timeframe on when I wanted to hit my goal by. Ever since then I’ve had trouble sticking to my protocol long-term, even though that deadline has long passed.

I’m starting to see the scale slowly creep back up. I don’t wanna focus on weight loss anymore, but the truth is that I’m binging. I felt good when I was following protocol, allowing hunger and urges and desires, and not binging at all.

Part of me feels like I do much better on a diet that doesn’t include any rice or carbohydrates that come from things other than vegetables. I cut out caffeine and I’ve been having a decaf nonfat latte, and I think it spikes makes my blood sugar and triggers cravings. I’ve also substituted the caffeine for caffeine free diet drinks with artificial sweeteners, I think these might do something as well as far as triggering cravings.

My original protocol loosely included things like rice and sweet potato and fruit, but I stopped writing my protocol down. If I’m honest with myself, I don’t think I should cut these things out 100%, but I don’t seem to do well with having them multiple days on a row. I’m not sure if this is physiological or psychological, or a bit of both.

I am nervous about not eating a larger variety of foods, including rice sweet potato and other kinds of beans and grains. and no, this isn’t what I’m binging on, but these foods seem to trigger some kind of response in me that makes me crave more, and that’s been leading to me sneaking off protocol and then justifying eating sweets and dealing with more urges.

I’m interested in carb cycling, and may be having once a week where I have a carb day. Because I do seem to recover if I don’t have two carb days in a row. But like, is this healthy? Am I being obsessive?

Sometimes I feel like I don’t know what’s healthy to eat anymore, and I’m trained in functional nutrition! There is so much conflicting nutrition advice that I’m at a loss. I felt good on a very low carb high fat diet, but then I start to worry about cholesterol and that becomes my excuse to sneak food off protocol and then binge.

I guess what I’m saying is that I’d like to recommit to my goal that I got two pounds away from and never hit. I don’t want to put a timeline on it, since that seems to introduce a whole new scarcity mentality onto things I’m not ready to manage. Even if I say I’ll hit this goal in 2022 I feel an exhale. I want to recommit to working through all my emotions.

I’m feeling all messed up around my protocol again. After binging, I like to do a zero carb carnivore diet to reset myself. I guess I don’t like how doing a “reset” feels psychologically, but physically it clears up the blood sugar issues straight away and I do start feeling better quickly.

I think what I want to do is carnivore with unlimited veggies for like, six days followed by a day where I eat complex carbohydrates like wild rice, sweet potato, quinoa, maybe even regular potato (for resistant starch) and MAYBE some fruit. I think I need to ditch the lattes cause they for sure spike my blood sugar (I checked it) and ditch all the artificial sweetener, and when I put cream in my decaf tea I need to measure it.

I think the above plan is what I want to do, but then I tell myself “I need to eat more variety”, and I end up eating garbage! I guess the question could be “how do I include as much variety as I can within this protocol”. I want to eat two meals a day, no exceptions, and I want to have my first meal no earlier than 1:00 (I did this the first time around). I honestly think that diet soda is a real problem, so it has to go. I used it as a crutch to get rid of caffeine and now I did that.

I have a list of foods given to me by a complex nutritional panel of my blood and microbiome from a naturopath. Maybe I could go through the list and try to incorporate as many of those kinds of foods as possible.

I feel like I’m spinning a little bit with this. I know how I want to eat, I just tell myself either a) it’s not healthy b) it’s too high in fat or c) there aren’t enough antioxidants or d) fiber makes me bloated and I hate that (I don’t bloat when I eat chocolate bars, no joke) or e) I just can’t handle this emotion so fuck it or f) I didn’t write down protocol so today is an exception.

I know I can do this. I’m currently not feeling my feelings anymore and that’s why I’m putting the weight back on.

Any help to unravel this is appreciated.