Thank you for the “challenge” to hold space for my own thoughts.

Seems like a clockwork – my “this is pointless” is like a weekend thing. Anyway saw the thought coming ” this is pointless ” then tried to melt the resistance with “it’s normal that you are scared” – I was functioning, but not fully present. Then I got to my room, thinking I am going to allow myself to cry and feel the fear of losing everything. Sorry for the too much detail, but I actually lay down and imagined myself in a casket. Actually put my body in a position of how I saw my grandfather and grandaunts’ bodies in caskets. Felt the fear, felt the darkness, imagined my casket being lowered down and covered with earth. The whole thing probably lasted 5 minutes, I didn’t cry – surprisingly. But I came out of that 5 minute feeling calmer, I can do this. I can love my kids, I can love my new puppies, I can love my husband, my parents, my grandma, fully knowing I will one day lose them. and be super sad when it happens, losing the “them” as I know it now, the “life” as I know it now ( I am open to the idea of life after death – being a Catholic, but actually not fully embracing the idea of heaven/hell” – topic for another self discovery – I can believe whatever works for me right?)

Last Saturday – my “this is pointless” lasted the whole day, until the realisation that I had a thought of “my brain is betraying me” on a bus journey to a classy work Christmas dinner. (Christmas things start from end of November here)
Today, it lasted 3 hrs.
Wow, next week, or whenever the thought comes, probably will only last 5 minutes. Let myself feel the fear, go to the fear of my death – my losing everything. and let it go. WOW….

It’s so hard, yet so easy, so simple, so mindblowing…