So everything is blowing my mind! I feel energy explosions when something clicks into my understanding… Do I have this right?
Through the monthly work I notice that I either choose not to plan the “non-essentials” or I do plan, but then later choose not to follow through. Then I notice a thought: “I suck at planning!” “Scheduling my life is a nightmare!” BUT then realize that’s just something I’ve been telling myself, like it’s NOT a fact?!?! What?! I can just DECIDE something nicer and much more useful like, “I’m figuring this shit out. I can totally do this.” or whatever?
Or I notice I’ve told myself for years (and told others) that “I am tech-challenged.” I thought it was true because holy smokes I have watched over 20 hours of how to do something I wanted to learn and could NOT figure it out. I think it’s a fact that I am tech-challenged, BUT now… now I think maybe that’s just a thought? A story based on the past. That I can choose to believe something different about myself.
I have lost 100 pounds multiple times in my life… and gained it back. BUT now I am realizing, believe it or not, that I NEVER felt proud of myself. I ate 100% raw food for 2 years, lost 106 pounds and taught classes, but I always felt afraid… afraid of so many things. My best friend’s 9 year old daughter died suddenly one year and I turned to food to buffer my anger and grief. Gained it all back. I never had the IDENTITY shift, or ever considered I could choose, for any of the times I’ve lost weight in the past. The terror and beliefs from my past always came with me (but I didn’t know).
Now I have the thought, holy shit, there’s just too much about my life that needs to change now! And fast! (Health/size, fears, money, etc), but stop and ask, what? Maybe that’s just a thought. A beat-myself-up kind of thought… hmm… When I feel in a hurry, it feels yuck. When I allow space for learning and growing and truly adopting a new identity for myself… I feel yum. But I can feel this urge to rush, it keeps coming back. (time for a Model on that?)
I used to think my entire life set me up for failure. I felt overwhelmed, defeated and suicidal most of the time.
Now I allow myself to wonder if maybe my life set me up for success?
Maybe I’m figuring this out.
Maybe it’s not too late.
Maybe I’m lovable just as I am.
Maybe I DO have something worthwhile to contribute to the world?