I’m a big fat people pleasing liar


I am a big fat people pleasing liar. The most recent example is I stayed over at a friends house and while she was at work, I borrowed a couple of her pens without telling her and planned to give it back before I left. She came home and said “oh! you use the same pens I do!” and I felt the panic rise up and I couldn’t tell her the truth. I was afraid she would be upset I used her pens. I can see the faulty logic and my thinking but my bigger problem is this feels impossible to overcome. I’m going to start using an Urge Jar on this but the thoughts and panic feels so automatic and fast and I can’t catch it. I can’t imagine a world where I can sit with someones discomfort without panicking and freaking out. I guess I just gotta keep trying huh?