I’m drowning in a cesspool of negativity

I’m 10 months into scholars. I’m more present and aware than I was before and know that I’ve made progress. But recently, I suddenly find myself looking for the next thing/program. I’m pretty sure it’s because I joined to lose weight and haven’t met my goal. I’m coming up on a year and feel like I should be making more/faster/better progress. I am well aware these are thoughts and have done multiple models. The problem is that *everything* is so negative in my brain. I don’t like me. I certainly don’t want to spend time with me. Thought work feels like analyzing a never-ending supply of personality flaws. I struggle inherently with my worth and being enough. I have an all or nothing attitude and – generally – find myself working more to please other people than being content with me. I have depression and fight it daily. I have been watching myself from the outside slowly slipping back into old habits but not having the strength/desire/ambition to stop it. What happened to my motivation and how do I get it back? I’m tired. And drowning in a cesspool of negativity. As soon as I do a model on one negative thought, 12 more take its place. How do I come to my own rescue? I’m okay with half of life being ass. But right now, ALL of life is ass.