I’m feeling broken and unlike myself

Hi, I don’t know if this is the place for this but I needed to talk to someone and I couldn’t get a coaching session until later next week. I think I’ve reached a point that I need to ask for help. I need to find a coach to help me fix my brain. I may have had my first mental breakdown and want to learn the tools to bring me back to myself.

I want to live a life of love, fearlessness, and guiltlessness. I have a very conservative background and have made life-changing choices that contradict my upbringing. I have guilt related to that but feel like if I face the guilt to live without it, I will have to undo the act that caused it (at least that would be my parent’s solution). This would mean leaving my fiancé, which I don’t want to do. I think I know in my head that I don’t have to do that to live a guilt-free life, but my upbringing would dictate that I do. I don’t want to feel guilty for my current, wonderful life.

I also seem to hold a lot of fear that I think I used to have under control but it’s crept back in lately. I don’t feel like I’m authentically myself in all situations. I still walk on eggshells around my fiancé’s kids, after 8 years. My business also takes a lot from me and I’m probably burned out. I shut down my emotions so I don’t feel pain but think I shut down love, too.

I basically got to a point where I would rather live in a hole by myself. What would be my first step to getting help? I don’t want some “motivational” coach that’s going to tell me to push thru and be positive but someone who will really help me resolve some issues. My fiancé has also expressed that he would be interested in working with someone, either on his own or together. We are in business together and also both deal with some guilt based on our story.

I’m ready to make my life even better but don’t know where to start. Thanks for reading all this and again, have no idea if this is the place for this but thought it could be a start.