i’m getting better at this!

hi coaches

so i’ve been working on my doubtful thoughts about my bf.
and there is always more coming out.
at the moment i am in this position:

i had a coaching recently where the coach taught me that i have a manual for my boyfriend meaning that when he writes, when i see him etc.
i want to feel immediate attraction, love etc.
and because they don’t come “flowing down” or like automatically i have the thought that he’s not the right one.
which makes sense to me because that’s what our society teaches us with movies and everything.
when you don’t have good thoughts right away about the person its not the right one. the right one will come.

So when we fell in love it was the best time ever. he made my life so adventerous and he was opening a new side to my life. so he being shy, socially akward and being scared of things was not attractive at all. so my doubts came up. And there i also thought he was a really good guy but i don’t feel like i want to feel towards him. so of course i tried to change him. Which worked a little bit after a long time of trying. But the biggest change he did on his own. and now he’s so amazing. he does his own thing, can speak to people, goes out into the world. amazing!
and my relationship with him looks that way that sometimes the thoughts come flowing down meaning automatically. I feel love, attraction. when he comes home sometimes i think thoughts like aw, i love that man and i feel connected and like he’s the one.
and other times i have these moments where i want the thoughts to just come floating down. i want them to make him special. and i want to think he’s special. but because they don’t come automatically i think he’s not the right one. it’s especially with nice or special moments. When he writes something cute or we recently moved. i wanted to feel the love, excitement with him but it didn’t come. its like: no, i just don’t feel it. why doesn’t it come?! thats not normal. And than i feel sad because it meant that i had to break up because who wants to be in a relationship where they don’t want to feel how they want to feel about their other half. so i tried to avoid talking about it. but now i feel ready. because as Brooke told us its up to us to see how we want to feel about another person.

does that make sense?

I also think they don’t come rushing down because of prior thought patterns. At the time when i didn’t find him so attractive which now i do, i thought really negative things. like: ugh, so not attractive how he handles people etc. and i think that has stuck with me.

so yea , again, this thing right here going on would mean in our society i have to break up. because he doesn’t trigger the right thoughts in me.
but i really don’t want to. I’ve been in scs for 8 months now and i’ve done so much work and i believe and i am really exctied about the time when i think he’s the right man and the thoughts will come just rushing down everytime he writes, or he says something to me.

so i guess my question is: how should i proceed?
like i feel like i’ve found out something really powerful here. and i don’t freak out.
i just say to myself: your thoughts don’t come automatically all the time but you can totally work on that and it will be amazing once you’ve reached the moment where you will think them automatically.
but my brain is also tiny bit skeptical if that will ever be the case.

if i’m being honest i’m a little bit scared that someone of you will tell me that’s not going to happen.
you will never feel the way about him like others do about their bf.
but then i have to ask you why should i then not look for another bf who will make me feel better about himself? meaning trigger better thoughts about him.

at the moment i will stick with the excitement of the future me who loves him fully and has these automatically triggered thoughts about him coming.

thanks for helping me with this.