I’m not angry. How do I know if I’m afraid to feel this emotion?

I recently learned that my boyfriend had been cheating on me. We decided to stay in the relationship/address what was missing and I’m committed to that. My primary emotions right now are sadness and disappointment. I’m making a point of allowing myself to feel and experience these emotions since I’m the master of stuffing down my feelings and putting on a smiley face.

I don’t feel anger though and this surprises me. I’m wondering if I am avoiding feeling anger. When I do a thought download what comes up is that I don’t feel anger because I accept some responsibility for his cheating. I haven’t been the best partner. How do I know if I’m blaming myself in order to not feel anger or if I have just learned so much from you/SCS that I don’t need anger to make myself feel in control? Perhaps I have learned to access the deeper emotions of sadness and from there I’ve determined whether I want to stay in or leave this relationship? Or am I minimizing my own self worth by not being pisssed/angry and throwing him to the curb for this betrayal?