I’m scare people won’t like me

I end up just people-pleasing and overriding my own internal cues about myself and what I enjoy for other people. I try make them feel like they belong, even if it’s at my own expense.

An example of this is recently one of my bridesmaids ( my wedding was 2 months ago) asked her retinue and I wasn’t on it. At first, I was shocked and angry. After digging deeper I realized I wasn’t actually angry with her, but rather at myself. I had asked her to be a part of my retinue for reasons that I don’t like. 1) I didn’t want her to feel left out and wanted her to feel included. I felt like we were friends, but at the same time I know the extent of our friendship. She can be very selfish and self-centred, and In my heart I knew I didn’t really want to have her in my retinue. But I overrode my internal cues of what I truly wanted in fear that I would upset her.

The second reason is that most people in my circles have large retinues. I have always had a small knit group of friends ( My best friend and mom-in-law). I feared that people would think that I had no friends if this was all that there was in my retinue, so I made excuses to include her. Through her not including me in her retinue, it bought out something in myself that made me realize that its NOT her that I’m angry with. But rather MYSELF.

Why did I feel like I had to override my internal feelings? It made me reflect on our friendship and how I always find myself bending over to accommodate her, despite what I truly want. It got me feeling curious why I feel a need to do this. I find myself offering up my holiday home to her, trying my best to please her, to feel accepted by her. After digging deeper, I realized that at the end of the day I’m just scared that she won’t like me, and that people in general won’t like me.

I also realized that another emotion that came up was humiliation. I felt humiliated because all the people in our circles know that she was in my retinue and that I am not in hers. I feel like they are all laughing and gossiping about it, behind my back. Interesting to see how me being upset about her not asking me to be in her retinue wasn’t for the reasons ‘she is my friend and I wanted to be a part of it’. If I’m honest, she is a friend and I sometimes enjoy our time together, but lately, we have grown very much apart and are very different. My reasons for being upset has been more about ‘why didn’t I do this with my wedding and have the guts to listen to myself’ and ‘People will now see that I have no friends and are gossiping about me’. These reasons really got me digging deeper into the work that I need to do about myself and feeling okay about myself.

Why do I care if people don’t like me? If people don’t like me then I’ll be a social outcast. I won’t have friends, I won’t have community. I come from a background where my family ties are extremely unpredictable. I rely on having friends to make me feel like I belong. I struggle to make deep connections because I struggle to relate to people my age (in their 20’s). I find myself hanging out with an older crowd (30’s and 40’s), because I find our conversations more meaningful.

If I have no friends I feel like I’ll be an outcast. I feel like people will judge me, pity me. I feel like I’ll be left without knowing what to do, without plans on weekends and without people caring about me. I have an amazing husband, whom I am very close to. I have a best friend, and a mom-in-law who are my two rocks in life. This for me is enough. But I still feel a need to make friends, not because I feel I need it, but because I think that people will think I’m weird if I don’t have more than 2 close friends.

Please could you help coach me on this, and perhaps show me some work that I can do in the study vault. I really need to work on not caring about what others think about me, and focusing on what I think about me.