I’m tired of weight and food being the main focus of my life

I have spent a really large portion of my free time and money on focussing on trying to change what I weigh. I have weighed myself daily for many years and I have a detailed food journal for many years.
I have lost the same 10kg many times.
I was a scholar in 2017 and got down to a really slim goal weight, I maintained it for about 4 months but had a lot of food chatter still around it, I still didnt have peace around food. Unfortunately I had to leave scholars at that time and since then I have been experimenting with other ways of eating to try to find peace and maintain my weight. I went to a nutritionist who I now believe gave me terrible outdated advice. (Eat sugar in moderation and eat 6 meals a day)
I believe not eating sugar and flour really helps me so while I was waiting to be allowed back into scholars I joined Bright line eating which has many of the same principles as Brooke’s stop overeating plan with an online support community and their version of coaching. However although the main principles on how to eat are the same their focus is on food addiction and I found myself feeling more powerless and having increased urges, 6 weeks later I was at a weight that I would be happy to stay at but started having really big binges of sugar and flour, I started to believe I had an actual eating disorder and I ate to a point of pain and nausea repeatedly.
I know that my actions are a result of my thoughts and thinking I can’t stop eating is really not serving me, but I was getting into a habit of it that was affecting my work and my health and I gained 5 kg really quickly.
So now I am back in scholars and happy that I am although it is a stretch for my finances.
I’m ready to sort out my thinking around food so i can get back to goal weight and get back into a routine. But I also feel a bit sick to my stomach that I my weight is still the main focus of my life. I really want my life to have more meaning than this. I have a successful career and good friends and yet every morning I weigh myself and make it mean i’m a success or not depending what it says on the scale. And if it is up I resolve to focus hard and get it down. When I look back its almost like I sabotage when I get to the weight I want so that I can refocus on it.
I spend so much time analyzing what I should do next instead of just moving on to other things.
When I joined scholars the first time my compelling reason or main goal was to get freedom around weight and food and I think I almost got there but got sidetracked into just getting down to a really low weight and enjoying that achievement but not finding the freedom. Now I’m back and I want it more than ever.
I’m sorry for the long post, I hope you can help me focus my attention and thoughts better.