I’m trying to explore why I buffer, but woah it’s hard.

I notice after I finish my work day in my coaching business, and I “clock out for the day,” I tend to buffer a lot. Yesterday, I managed to not buffer most of the time.

A lot of crap came up: Anger over losing an old friend that “betrayed” me, frustration with my life now and where I’m at (still living with parents, still not making more than 2-3k a month coaching/network marketing), and extreme boredom (I have no idea what to do with my time after working on my business).

I was also “buffering” a lot with constantly listening to books, podcasts and other info on coaching/positivity/etc., and even though that is well intentioned, I get the sense it’s still a form of buffering.

Right now as I type this, I am feeling super bored. Here are some thoughts coming up:

“What does a coach do when they’re bored?”

“What should I do?”

“Hmm I’m kind of hungry.” (even though I’m not).

“I want a drink.” (a way that I buffer).

“Should I watch tv? Learn a new skill? Read? What should I do!?”

“I’m so bored.”

“I wish my life was more interesting.”

“How can I make my life more interesting?”

“I want to see my partner.” (another way I buffer)

“Should I go for a walk?”

“My life should be more interesting.”

“I should be more productive with this time.”

“Why can’t I just chill and do nothing without my mind judging me?”

“Time to scroll on Tik Tok cause there is nothing better to do.”

I think as a coach, breaking through on buffering would really serve me. I want to enjoy my own presence. I want to feel like I am dating myself when I am spending time with myself. I guess I also want to do something with my time that isn’t just zone out on social media, alcohol, weed, needing to be around others, etc. I want to actually want to do something that’s fun for me when I’m bored after working on my business. I want to rest, and I want to play more. I don’t want to numb though.

I’m really trying here to just sit with this, but I can’t help but feel like I’m missing out on something or I’m supposed to be having fun. I’m not really sure where to go with this, yet I feel so so so grateful that I can go through this with the Scholars program. I feel so much less alone because I know I can type this and be supported as well as get coached on it once a week.