Hi Brooke,

I’m hoping you can help me figure out how to think through this problem and work with my husband to come up with a solution that we both feel good about. We do not agree on where to live. We met and currently live in a large metropolitan city–it’s beautiful and diverse and both our jobs are here but also has its challenges–lots of crime in some areas, lackluster city services and hit or miss schools.

I want to stay in our current city and my husband wants to move out to the suburbs. It would be quieter and safer with schools that get good marks but with a lot less diversity (in terms of racial diversity, socioeconomic diversity and diversity of political views). I would also have to switch jobs as the commute would be too much. My husband would be able to keep his current job as he commutes much less frequently.

We have two sons–one is 12 and he is my son from a previous relationship. His dad, stepmom and two sisters live in the same city as us and we share custody. This son is mixed heritage and identifies and is viewed as a young Black male. Our other son is 3. Part of my issue with moving is that my older son would be far away from the other side of his family. In addition, we would be moving to the suburbs where only 2% of students are African American. When I bring these topic ups in our discussions, my husband shuts down as he feels like my ex is dictating where we live.

Any suggestions on how to move forward and come to some resolution?