Impulsive comparisons

I have noticed I was comparing myself to others many years ago, but I have become aware of how impulsively and almost obsessively I do this.  Today my sister-in-law came over. Awesome lady! But I noticed that I had no interest in her. No desire to talk to her. “Why?” I asked…”because you are better than her.” My brain answered. “You have nothing to gain from discussing things with her, she’s is a waste of your time”. (OUCH!) And what is even worse is that I don’t feel bad about thinking that. It feels factual to me.

She has made the decision that she is passionate about an industry, started a business, already has clients all within 6 months! I have been wanting to do that myself for years! So in this instance I am thinking, “Wow, she is so much better than me!” Then I feel anger at her and me. I also feel inspired…but I notice that I am resisting that emotion. Almost like I don’t want to be inspired by her. I should be the one inspiring her… cause I am “better”.

I see this comparison play out in all my relationships now. My brain is always looking to see if I am better than or worse than that person. If I am better than them I am “happy” but I view the person a “less than” so I feel distant from them. Like that is the appropriate thing to do, because I am better than them therefore I should be associating with “better” people. I once heard some gurus say that “you are the average of the people you spend the most time with” . I guess I really believe that because I feel it is playing into this mentality I have.

I want this mentality gone, but I feel resistance to letting it go. I feel it is true, “you are the average of the people you spend the most time with”. But I feel worried thinking this is true because I live with people that I don’t want to be like. My husband, kids, extended family. But logically I can tell you that is not fair because they have admirable traits, like my sister-in-law kicking butt with her business. I don’t like that they have admirable traits! I feel angry at them and frustrated at myself for it. Perhaps, I just want to be the best…but I know that’s not realistic…but maybe subconsciously I don’t?  I hope this makes sense to you. I need some help making sense of it.

C: Sister in law decides to start a business. Does so and has paying clients within 6 months of deciding to start.
T: What the heck! It’s not that easy. I’ll show her up when I make twice as much money
F: Angry
A: Ruminate or search for all the ways I am still better than her…or just okay. “my marriage is better, I have more kids, I am more experienced in life, I am wiser”. I avoid being emotionally close with her. I keep to myself more often than not.
R: ???

This all sounds so petty, but it is what is really running through my brain.