HI Brook
I was listening to your VIP call in October, 2017 so I may already know the answer to this one but just thought I would run it by you. The caller was a young girl (Jen) that was struggling with her mom and she basically mirrored the long history I have had with my mom and family. I hope she has stayed with the program long enough to fully understand that she gets to choose how she thinks and to not allow other peoples comments (including family) allow her to believe what “they” believe. I spent many years in her shoes struggling with comments that her mom had made and worrying about how my siblings look at me but have come a long way since I’ve discovered Scholars. The best part for her is that she will realize this at a much younger age… Oh well.
Moving forward, you mentioned that you should not establish boundries until it comes from a place of love. I’ve come a long way with my mom but I’m in a situation where I was a little torn between two thoughts. A little background: We are the only ones in our family that have moved to NC. ( 6 years ago). The first year we lived in this new state, we invited family for my daughters Holy Communion. My sister convinced me to invite both my Mom and Dad (despite my reluctance) and rest of family from NY/NJ. My parents have been divorced for 40 years and my dad has moved on and we have a step mom. My mother has not. My sister persuaded me to invite both of them (parents ) thinking that we are all mature enough to deal with a small gathering in the same home. Back then, that did not happen. My mom as usual, made digs at my step mom, etc. and I got into a terrible fight with my mom (because I’m the one with the anger problems LOL) and we did not speak for 6 or 7 months.
Fast forward, my son is graduating from HS, the same week my daughter is receiving her confirmation this current year. We will be inviting all my siblings, etc. including my mom, my dad and stepmother. My mom called to say that she would like to come and visit for a week. (Now, bear in mind, I asked her to come and stay with me for a week at Christmas but she chose to spend it with my other sister instead). My first thought was “she wants to come to visit because my Dad will be there”. I felt a little happy but a little resentful. Afterall, I’m the one that will be paying for her flight and I’m in control.. Originally I thought I should have her come for the first half of the visit (my daughters confirmation (then fly her back to NJ) and have my Dad come for my son’s HS graduation. But then I thought, maybe I should have her come for the week, allow her to do and say what she wants. It’s not under my control. I feel if I do that, I will prove to them I’m capable of deciding how to think and act like an emotional adult rather than a child. I love my mom but she can be quite a challenge. But I want to be able to go through the process of realizing that I can’t control what she say’s and doesn’t say at a party. The other part of me thinks “should I finally be able to have control and fly her down when it’s right for me. Just curious about your thoughts. I’m sorry this is so long and I hope it makes sense. I wanted to save my live coaching call for more serious matters.! ☺
