Indifference


I feel indifference towards myself, my goals, my life. I have a hard time sticking with any program from start to finish because of all kinds of stories I tell myself…..from I don’t feel like it (depressed sometimes); my body hurts (chronic inflammation) – this is hard because it is a physical issue which is cyclic; and then the chronic negative mindset that greets me every morning as soon as I open my eyes. I just want to “want” to get out of bed in the morning. Right now I pretty much have to force myself to get my feet on the floor and start my day (wake up feeling like something is “wrong” every morning). It would be amazing to wake up excited about what the new day has to offer (which I know how this feels, because I have felt excited about getting up (like Christmas morning or vacations:).

I have focused on an evening self care practice, which includes prepping/planning for the actions I need to take to move forward……I just did it for a month……and now I find myself slipping back with a vengeance to my old patterns…….It’s just so discouraging to keep repeating the same of pattern of starting and stopping and not really completing what I want to do.

I am “Double Diamond” in SCS – my first year I completed the first week, got behind and gave up; my second year I completed the first month, got overwhelmed and gave up; this is my third year, I want to do this and be able to work through the days that I “just don’t feel like it” that completely incapacitate me.

Commitment, Consistency, Success, is what I want. (And a good feeling about the money I’m spending on this amazing program, because I beat myself up over this too, which makes me want to quit SCS!)

The feeling of indifference feels hard because when I am in it, I don’t care about feeling good, or anything for that matter and then I buffer with marijuana (which I also use for my chronic pain). Can I get through the feeling of indifference?