I have so much shame about this topic and I am struggling with the use of the model for this one circumstance. I feel like the model doesn’t work for this circumstance. I have wrestled with this for over a week, resisting choosing a model because it brings up so much for me. Here is why …
I am a white woman. I am invested in being a good ancestor and antiracist. Recently, a follower of mine on IG posted an entire highlight on their IG account with thousands of followers sharing how I am “harmful” to BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, People of Color) because I watched their IG content and did not support them by venmo-ing them money (which I was not aware was something that people do on IG). I was kind, respectful, but still declined requests for sending $$. My husband and I have already decided how we chose to spend our $$ and have picked out foundations to support causes related to antiracism.
I have two completely different models (that I believe) in this situation and I am not sure how to navigate this. It feels like me choosing how I think and feel about this is just another privilege I have.
C: Having a follower create an IG highlight about me, publicly sharing our DMs where I did not address their request for money
T: She is right. I am a horrible white-privileged person. I should have given her $$
F: Regret and Shame
A: Ruminate, check IG to see what new stories she has posted about me, spend hours talking and consulting with others in my field to see if I did something wrong or what they would have done, help no one, create no new content, stop supporting others
R: I have low self-esteem, no compassion for myself, AND I do not move forward at being an ally to BIPOC
C: Having a follower create an IG highlight about me, publicly sharing our DMs where I did not agree to or address their request for money
T: I didn’t do anything wrong. I do a lot to be an ally and I get to chose who I give my $$ to and I did my best to explain my decision and honor her concerns
A: Engage in life, be confident with my decision and presence on social media
R: Be a better ancestor for marginalized people
My question is … my second model feels right to me and gives the whole world a better outcome, but also sounds like exactly what a white privileged person would say (which could be perpetuating the problem). I am fully aware of my privilege and aware of the potential for white fragility and white centering and she made a strong point that this is what I did … so WHO AM I to CHOOSE another model?
So, choosing a model feels like more of the problem she is blaming me for. I AM LOST here.