Is it always going to feel good when we make a “right” decision? I know, I know.. I have the right vs. wrong mindset and I’m still working on that, but I believe there’s a right and wrong decision and I’ve always thought that if it’s right, it will “feel” right. I’ve had several decisions that I have made that felt right and I still think they were right even though sometimes they ended with heartbreak.
However, now I find myself “out of touch” with my inner self and what I think is right or not. I think buying a house would be a logical step towards pursuing my dreams of traveling the world (house becomes airbnb or rented which is run by a manager while I’m free to reap the regular income while I travel), but I also am afraid it could tie me down further. I also think it could be interesting to just sell everything I own and travel, but that terrifies me because I’ve saved all this stuff for so long for WHEN I have a house so I don’t have to go buy brand new stuff.
Today, I moved forward with the lenders and decided to ask my dad a question about some money I have in mutual funds to liquidate and taxes. Instead of answering my tax question, he asks why I want to liquidate the money and I chose to answer (I don’t know why I did that, I know him better by now) and he then proceeded with unsolicited advice. However, because I’m already feeling insecure and uncertain about buying a house, I let his words get to me.
And I’ve let him get to me my whole life which is why I have so much doubt in so many things I do. Almost everything I’ve wanted to ever do has been negated by my father. He wanted me to go in the military or “get a real job” or be a nurse. I know he just wants me to be financially stable and doesn’t believe that the things I like can provide a “good life” for me, but I find myself believing him sometimes and let it bring me a lot of doubt. I don’t want to do that anymore, but I don’t know how to stop! It always gets to me when he says things like that and I start thinking all the things on repeat.
“When is he ever going to approve of me?”
“When am I going to toughen up my skin so this doesn’t bother me anymore?”
“When am I going to believe in myself and stop letting his doubt make me doubt?”
“I don’t have a support system”
“I’m already not sure if I am making a good decision, why does he have to go say things that make me think more doubting thoughts?”
“Why can’t I stop? These are just thoughts. I can change them. Why does it feel like I can’t change them?”
I’m going to go answer these questions I just quoted, but MAN is it painful to think this stuff. I don’t want to think it any more! I know my dad loves me, it’s just never FELT that way because he’s incapable of showing me love in the way that I need.