Is some manual ok?


Hi,
We are currently living separately with my H, as per his decision. He said he doesn’t want kids (2 and 3y old) to know, so he has been coming to my house before kids wake up so that they don’t know he is living elsewhere. We spend days together with kids, pretending everything is ok, and in the evening when kids go to bed he leaves.

Two times this week, H choose not to show up in the morning when kids wake up, so I had to lie to kids about his whereabouts. They get upset, when in the evening he says, that he is gonna be there, but in the morning he is not. I told H that I don’t like this, that I feel that he is creating a bad experience to kids – they learn no to be able to rely on H.

I’ve been doing a relationship work on him this week and of course, I have discovered that I have a thick manual on how he should be and act. I am trying to drop it and work on loving him no matter what.

But is it ok to still have rules – manual towards the family? Like in this case, if you promise something to kids, you do as promised, you don’t harm their feelings.

Is it ok for me to feel angry when he is disrespecting the family?
My unintentional model on this is:
C H didn’t come 8am on 11.05
T I am angry, he is acting disrespectfully towards us the family
F Angry
A I can’t fight for the relationship anymore
R I don’t respect him anymore

I’ve been thinking what my intentional model should be, and I can’t come up with anything. Is that ok to be willing to stay in the negative model?

Many thanks! Hope to get some help with this.