My husband and I are in constant challenge with each other – we both have a manual for each other and not willing to drop it. Mine got much thinner, I must say. There are things in my manual that I am not willing to drop – such as his way of talking to me when he is presented with something he doesn’t like, it’s the loudness and content, but more of that is the pettiness of the situation that I find to be a “turn -off” for me. The story that I’m telling myself is “a real man doesn’t do it”, “he has nothing else to occupy himself with”, “ he is not capable of providing, therefore he feels that he needs to boss me around”, etc.
I realize that these are my Ts, and have been modeling and modeling and modeling…..
I wish there was a course that Brooke was going to put out – How to have an awesome divorce. But maybe it’s my challenge that I am facing and meant to figure out on my own. I am choosing not to move out physically because of my job. I moved to another floor, so we are sharing the common space. We talk very little to each other, and this is after we took separate vacations and were supposed to be happy to see each other. I keep asking myself a question – Would I marry this person again?
The answer is – NO. I know what he can be like and that he will never change. My challenge right now is there is lots of bitterness and resentment, self pity and self-righteousness from my side. I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore, and I am thinking of leaving in next 6 months.
I want to stay in separate spaces and not to have any intimacy. And I want to work my mind around. Being coached and modeling bring me awareness that I am the creator of what I feel and therefore do, and I see it but it’s like seeing the same corner. I start convincing myself that I didn’t obey my boundaries and it’s all on me and therefore I was wrong, and we start over.
This time something feels different. I’m drained and don’t want to constantly “work “ on the relationship. I want something different from what I have. We “look” pretty together but it’s a dead-end behind the closed doors. How do we know when we have completed a relationship with this person?