It is not better there

So this has been hugely transformative.
I have had a few coaching sessions via this forum and a couple private sessions about some issues, and what keeps coming back to me, in some form, is that it isn’t better over there.

Some of the situations are very painful. And it baffles me how much more accepting I am being with the pain. But I am able to do it because I know that there will always be problems of some sort to figure out.

One scenario, related to my husband, that I am getting active coaching on now is more about “I didn’t sign up for this”. He made promises early and before marriage and he didn’t fulfill. I was lied to, and my life sucks as a result (that is my thinking and I get the UM).

Then this morning it dawned on me that this is exactly what it is supposed to be. (And man, that felt painful).

But at least it is pain I am feeling and not relentless anger and/or numbness.

I’m getting closer to discerning between acceptance and resignation, between letting go and resignation, and support and boundaries.

The learning is both tremendous and catastrophic —- I am shedding and busting old patterns of thinking I didn’t know I had.

So is it better here than it was 6 months ago? No. And am I still struggling? Yes, at times. And there is this weird lightness that I feel. Wisdom. Older – but in a way that feels secure in a way that I can’t quite articulate. My husband is still a jackass, but I’m weirdly loving that jackass more than I have allowed in the past few years.

I see the incremental gains I have made in my marriage and relate it to my business and the goal I have for $1M revenue this calendar year. Will it be better there than here?

To answer that, are things better now than they were in March when I had my holy shit moment (as many of us did) and praying I would make at least $30k per month..

I made way more beyond my wildest dreams and am set up with a better team, a bigger pot of cash, and I feel really good because I DID IT!! It was my doing. And I have problems to solve. And I am way more clear, more agile in some ways, more nimble in others. And I have problems to solve, some which poke at me.

So I think I am just getting a glimpse of liking or wanting what I have now, because it was always meant to happen this way.

I’m excited about what will be asked of me over the next 5 months as I engage with this $1M outcome, watching the movie unfold. What gives me trepidation, if I am honest, is what it is asking me to become. More receptive, more responsive, listening deeply. And that I can start right now.

There is something quite freeing with wanting what I have (as yucky as it sometimes feels). It’s so incredibly counter intuitive for my brain right now.