It’s always about sex…

I’d like some help on this. Whenever my husband brings anything up about sex I go in to defense mode and flip out. This has been a topic that we have discussed/debated and fought over for the past 7 years. I feel that my husband is always bringing up ways or solutions about perfecting him or us when it comes to sex – examples include: getting surgery, watching porn, wanting do have different positions, doing it more, talking about it all the time, etc. For so long it has always been about me not meeting his needs… now, we’ve been working on things for awhile and I’m slowly getting to a spot where I don’t feel guilty or responsible for his feelings/thoughts around sex if I don’t want to have it or am not interested- but it ‘s still a trigger and I still have a lot of negative thoughts around this topic. Please help me with my model below.

C: Husband wants to get viagra
T: He’s always looking for something wrong with our sex life. It’s never enough. He’s never happy.
F: Anger. Defensive.
A: Raise voice. Start asking questions. Get into a fight about the need. Defensive. Accuse him.
R: I’m not enough. I’m not happy with myself or with him or our sex life.

C: Husband wants to get viagra
T: ????
F: Neural (ideally curious but that’s a huge leap right now)
A: Ask questions. be curious. don’t make it mean anything about me or our sex life
R: I show up as a curious partner and don’t judge him or his feelings…..