Its harder for me than everyone else

I feel so stuck. I think I’m a pretty good self-coacher but keep getting stuck. On one hand I’m learning compassion, and patience. On another hand I want to hold myself to the commitments I make on my protocol. I know the two are not mutually exclusive, and truly believe that it’s in my best interest to follow my protocol. But the thing is- I don’t want to. I work and coach around why I keep having the thought I don’t want to. I get myself to an 8/10 YES in the morning. but then the day comes. by end of day, one slipup comes and negative voices come crashing down.
you are not the kind of person who keeps commitments. ok finally we got you to mess up, now eat all the things you can just purge later, its what you do. you will never be able to get your clients results if you can’t do it.
I’ve successfully processed 14 urges that I have written down. YAY. while I can say they are getting easier and more understandable, even when the urge feeling leaves and I’m at neutral, I still want to eat. but it’s not an urge feeling. its something else I can’t quite put my finger on.

I feel like a total failure. which brings the feeling of shame. shame, failure and overwhelm are my top 3 emotions I don’t want to feel.

I am committed to figuring this out. but also. ice cream is yummy and when I’m eating it, even if I don’t like it anymore I want to keep eating it. I don’t know why. the thoughts are something like- it’s yummy, it’s creamy, it’s sweet. tomorrow we won’t do it again. I’ve run like 100 models (only 17 to be exact) on various thoughts throughout my rampage. yet. here I am. help.