I’ve never been "allowed" to give myself permission


I’m a month into scholars and having all sorts of realizations. Like how I’ve given my power to everyone but me my whole life. I had no idea I could re-write my past and the stories I’ve been telling myself about the things that have happened to me. I’ve been waiting for someone to give me permission to own my stories. I didn’t know it could be me!

I’ve often felt like I was inconveniencing the world with my presence. I would step aside to let others take up space. I spoke quietly, not to bother anyone with my words. “Whatever you want to do is fine.” Everyone else had more right to everything than I did. Physical space, money, decisions, my body, the way I think, the way I act. I’m a rule follower. Just tell me the rules so I can follow them. I had no idea I could make my own rules!! I can think positively about the bad things that happened to me. And not in a pretend everything’s ok kind of way. But in a real, I overcame this kind of way. I knew this about obvious things, but not about the real darkness.

I don’t have a question, I’m just exploding with this new way of existing. I can’t believe I get to decide what I think and how I feel about things. About everything! Mind = blown. Thank you.