Journal Exercise

I had a conversation with my boyfriend and wrote conflicting models based on our conversation. I also have conflicting models about what I want.

Here are my models:

C: Boyfriend answered journal prompts with statements about what he is looking for in a partner
T: Reading this at face value, it’s clear that I don’t think I can be what he is looking for.
F: conflicted
A: text my sister and mom to get their opinions
Feel unsure about future plans and our future together
Wonder if I can actually change and if I want to
Feel more tired to work due to this emotional strain
Fear doing what he wants but then feeling guilty for working less
R: not testing out what he’s looking for so I don’t find out a clear yes or no AND letting it get in the way of my work

C: Boyfriend answered journal prompts with statements about what he is looking for in a partner
T: in our actual time and life together & how he normally acts towards me (as opposed to his written journal replies), I totally see this working
F: confused
A: wonder why his journal replies are so different than how happy he normally is
Feel hesitant to change because I don’t know or not if I’ll like it
Spend time together as we always do
R: me not changing and finding out if I like it

C: boyfriend wrote “I wonder if we didn’t see each other for 3 months if you’d truly care or want/pursue me. It’s scary to me that I don’t know that for sure.”
T: I don’t feel like I should have to change or chase after someone.
F: Frustrated
A: Told him that I never had a “gap” before a relationship and love loving him but this is just not my personality
Wish he didn’t need as much time, validation, etc to feel loved
R: disconnect more and don’t do what he’s asking for

C: Boyfriend wrote “at the end of life, what matters most and my promise is to always put my relationship first and I’d be willing to drop everything for my partner.”
T: He’s such a good person and I should want to be more relationship oriented
F: abnormal
A: put pressure on myself to spend more time together while feeling guilt if I spend too much time on this and not other things in my life like work
Explain to him that I love loving him but I also like alone time and my focus/determination I have in life and I want to have it all.
R: ???

Any feedback would be useful. I am the one in the relationship who has been happy loving him and progressing but to him it’s not enough or fast enough. I just think we have different want matches for how we see a relationship. Our core values and lifestyle preferences are very on point, our love for each other is on point, but his desire to “feel wanted naturally and not on a routine and totally an urge from me” as he wrote in his journal is where I feel like I won’t always be able to fulfill that every day.