Thoughts and work:

I have been working on feeling judged. I know that I create my feelings of feeling judged as I am judging myself.
I tried to have a courageous conversation last night with my husband doing a wants match. He has an adult son who has Down syndrome and he lives with his mom and with us half time. Every week he and his x wife discuss when the son will stay with us and I am told what they decide after the fact. He needs 24 hour care and it affects my life as well. I have always felt that it is respectful to consult me before he and x decide what my week will look like. This really happens.
It has caused issues for me in the past. I did a thought down load. Can you help me decide what I need to dig deeper in and how do I dig deeper?

Thought download and work:
Tried to have a convo with Husband about sons schedule. I feel that I really tried to listen to what he had to say. I expressed to him what my wants were. That I lived in this house as well and that I had a need to know what was happening with half my week. I am feeling really crummy. I tried so hard
To show how much I had changed. I tried so hard to listen. In terms of this relationship Husband said that “he felt we were getting there. “. We were having marital issues and he told me that I owned all the issues in the marriage and needed to get fixed. He said he is not there yet in believing I have changed. I know that I can’t make him feel anything about this relationship. I feel that I am me and if he does not have the feeling yet then it is not going to get any better than this. I am feeling some pretty strong emotions right now.

C: Husband says he is not there yet in terms of feeling safe in our relationship
T: I must not be trying hard enough. My skills are not showing.
F: hurt
A: start to get emotional in front of him. Start to defend myself. Say: this is the best you will get. I tell him that I too am not ready to have him sleep in the bedroom. I try and hurt him back.
R: I leave feeling deflated and that I have not used the work I have done to show up. I beat myself up as I feel that this is me. Either take it or leave it.

C: same
T: I am confident that I have the skills to become the woman I want to be
F: determined
A: continue to work on realizing that I can’t know johns thoughts or his actions. Realize that I am strong enough on my own to create happiness and my worth is not determined by what husband does or does not do
R: I continue my work and let things unfold the way they do not trying to control things.

I can feel my cheeks pulsing
My chest is tight. Solar plexus
Pulsing feeling in the pit of my gut.
Vibration in my ears.

What I see is I am still trying to control how he feels. I am still wanting to control his actions.
I want him to “respect” me but all that matters is I respect myself. I want him to consult me but I have no control over that. I know that he said yes to x wife before he spoke to me about Friday. This is who he is. This will not change. I know this because he said in a text “ thanks for understanding” and that makes little sense. I would not need to “understand” if he was actually consulting me. I can be assured that speaking to me was his way to appease me. He does not want to consult me he won’t do this in the future. This is not him. He said to me “ hey I am proud of the hours you are spending on the course in the last month but I am still not convinced but you are doing great work”. This made me feel irritated as I was thinking “ I am not doing this work for you and you are still in the same place you were a month ago.
Let’s get this straight. I have a need to be consulted. This is common human decency This will not happen. How do I want to show up. He and his kids other kids are judging me. The fact that he still has not spoken to his kids to “ have my back” as no situation is black or white shows me that I need to have my own back. I need to do my work here
My thinking about myself is all that matters. Also my truth about the situation is all that matter
I am becoming a woman who wants to show up loving herself enough that Husband does not need to consult me about plans he makes without discussing it with me. He owns that and that is something he can not do. I don’t agree with him but I can love him through that by letting him be who he is
I can find all kinds of evidence to prove that Husband is lying to me. I will find all kinds of evidence that he is judging me. I can find evidence that his kids are judging me based on facts that he has given to them and I have no control over He will not change and if he does I have no control over it.
I will work on my thinking.

How do I clean up these thoughts as I feel I do have a right to know what happens in my life?