I recently met a man in class who is in the process of separating from his wife. Let’s call him Andy. We have been going out for coffee in the mornings as friends. The decision I am struggling with is if I should hangout with Andy outside of our coffee time. I am struggling with the story I am making up about what it means about Andy, myself, and how others will see us because he is separating from his wife.

Circumstance: I received a text from Andy last night asking me if I would like to hangout over the weekend.
Thought: I can’t hangout with him because my sister will judge me because he is recently separated from his wife and she will think he is hitting on me, and I am getting involved with a man who is legally still married.
Feeling: Guilt
A: Not respond to his text. Do thought work. Avoid him.
R: I stop getting to know Andy better, and don’t build a friendship with him. I still give power to what I think my sister will think of me. I still let her judgement dictate my actions and how I think about myself.

We live in a small town. If I didn’t care what anybody thought I would like to go on a hike this weekend and just have a friend to enjoy the fall season with.

Circumstance: I found out Andy is in the process of separating from his wife.
Thought: This means he is probably lonely, and doesn’t have the skills to navigate a long term relationship during challenging Covid times.
Feeling: Cautious
Actions: We only hangout for short coffee sessions.
R: I told him I am only interested in being friends with him. He expressed he is on the same page. We do not hangout in other situations so I don’t get to know him better, even though I enjoy his company.

Circumstance: I found out Andy is in the process of separating from his wife.
Thought: This means I will always be “just friends” because I can’t I attract functional men who can have healthy relationships.
Feeling: frustrated
Action: Stop putting myself out there on the dating apps. I don’t hangout with Andy outside our usual coffee time.
Result: I don’t give myself the opportunity to have a relationship, not even a friendship, and spend another weekend with myself.