Judging my friend in a mean way


I love my friend. But I also think she’s overweight and in a lot of debt and doesn’t work hard enough to get out of it.  I feel so mean that I have these thoughts, but I’m often thinking very mean judgy thoughts about her. She just moved out of the country to somewhere pretty expensive and is only working 4 days a week and is not doing anything to stop being 70 lbs. overweight.

I don’t want to judge her, but I am.

C:  Friend said “Maybe I will start working 5 days a week”
T:  Uh, yeah, you’re lazy and galivanting around accumulating more debt.
T:  I work so much harder than you do
T:  No wonder you have so much debt
T:  You spend money the same way you eat, with your head in the sand

None of these thoughts are nice. I think what makes me angry is that I work much harder than she does and I’m so much more responsible than her, yet, I’m not really happy in life either. I think I’m resentful that I’ve been living this hypervigilant life, trying to do what I’m supposed to do, and nothing is really working out any better (except I have no debt and am not overweight).

So the real model might be:

C:  Friend said “Maybe I will start working 5 days a week”
T:  I have worked so hard for so long, not having debt hasn’t made me happy
F:  Resentful
A:  I think about how I’m annoyed. I take out my computer to do my business plan call at 7:15. I drink my coffee. I think about how my hypervigilance hasn’t worked. I judge my friend in my brain. I start to think about how nothing I’m doing is working and I get annoyed. I guess really I’m changing my vibration in a negative direction and am not attracting what I want in life.
R:  I change my vibration in a negative direction and don’t attract what I want in life. I continue to work hard.

I don’t know, this model doesn’t feel settling. Help?