Judging my friend

I can see that I have been judging my friend. She is a lovely person, but she is very overweight and seems to do nothing to lose weight. Every time I hear her talking about how she is going to ‘go on a little walk’ or ‘eat some frozen yogurt’ or she tells me about all the candy she’s eating, I am silently raging inside. I know it is none of my damn business. I know this very well. She has her own models, she says she has a history with eating disorders, and doesn’t want to restrict her food, and she just thinks that somehow by managing her emotional issues that the weight is going to come off when it comes off. She seems to feel fine about this line of thinking. But it drives me nuts.

C friend eats how she wants and weighs what she weighs
T she shouldn’t be eating that
T what is she thinking?
T this isn’t a game!
T I can’t believe she’s eating that
T How does she not care about being 200lbs!
T She should care more about how she looks!
F Frustrated, judgmental

I don’t really know how to complete this model. All I know is that I’m disgusted by her behaviour and find myself just thinking, WTF?!?!? It makes me want to shake her, and fix her, and make her eat properly so that she’ll lose weight. I don’t want her to be fake happy at 200lbs. I know she’s not really happy at that weight.

I guess on the other hand, too, something about her behavoiur triggers me. I don’t want to be like her, at all. And I’m not, so I don’t know why I care. But I guess I like her, and I want her to be thin. I want to see friends my age, or a little older than me, hold themselves in respectful ways. I think sometimes when I look at her life, I feel repelled. It terrifies me to see her life. I’m just like, she’s in so much debt and is so overweight and I want to push that reality out of my mind. Why does it upset me that she doesn’t care at all about how she looks? It’s her damn life! I’m not sure where to go with this, but it’s tying my brain in quite the knot.