Last night I overate. This morning I decided to see what I might have been buffering from. I realised I was acting out my resentment of my husband. I don’t like the way he lives his life and I am quietly judging him continually. But because I have been in SCS for a while I know that he is not responsible for my feelings so I am also judging myself for judging him. And instead of examining my judgements I am just trying to resist and ignore them. And then eating slices of bread instead of going to bed.
So this morning I decided to look at them but now I feel even worse. I’ve done a thought download but I’m so identified with the thoughts that I’m now just sitting and crying and I need to go to work now.
He’s not likely to change. I can continue the work to accept him like this but it has led to us living an agreeable life with no sex, barely ever go to bed at the same time and me just trying to ignore the way he lives his life. And in the end me buffering because I’m not truly accepting the way he wants to live.
Clearly there’s lots of work to do here. Where should I start?