Hi,

I have had an outcome that I have not enjoyed in my life for several years now and that is the relationship I have with my mother. I judge this relationship as empty of love and complicity and as being negative and unsatisfying.

C: The relationship with my mother
T: The relationship is empty of love and complicity
F: Sadness
A: I want to be alone, I hide, I curl up on myself, I look for ways to chase away the sadness so that I don’t feel it, I overeat things that I don’t want to eat and then I fight for doing it, and I end up blaming my mom for these actions I take. When I’m sad, I try to be entertained and I don’t turn to my mother for it. I even avoid her company, which I find negative and sad.
R: I am negative and sad.

C: The relationship with my mother
T: She is to empty of love and complicity
F: Guilt
A: I judge myself, I think that I feel unlovable, hateful, and, ultimately, devoid of love for her and unable to bond.
R: I am not creating the relationship I would like to have with my mother

Basically if I judge my mother as sad, in the end, I am sad.
If I judge my mother negative, in the end, I am negative.
If I judge the relationship I have with her as empty and without love, I realize that it is I who is empty and without love for her.

And is it ok?

Yes it’s ok, it’s like that. I think so. But I realize that it doesn’t help the outcome I would like to have in my life with my mom.

How do I go about making this change in the outcome gradually?

I have to accept her as she is.

I no longer have to change my behavior to please her because that amounts to lying to me to be pleasant to her, therefore to lying to her and basing our relationship on a lie.

I have to accept that it’s me and only me who put imaginary chains on myself when she is there and that is why her departure is always a liberation.

I strive so much to have a harmonious relationship with my mother while she is there or whenever I interact with her that I do not allow myself to be just myself in the loving and complicit relationship. I realize that I am actually very intolerant of what she is. I just don’t accept her for who she is.

We can totally be different and love each other. We can be totally different and be accomplices. We can be different without judging ourselves. We can be totally different and have a relationship that satisfies us both by simply accepting each other as we are without judging ourselves.

Thinking negatively about someone is human. That’s ok. I am not perfect. I am as I am. I can decide to believe this negative thought. It’s a choice. I can also decide not to get attached to it and not to give it the power to then bring about a negative feeling that will drive my actions accordingly and bring about an outcome that I don’t like.

Letting myself be ruled by negative thoughts, meaning letting them rule my feelings and, therefore, drive my actions is another choice I don’t want to make.

I understand that I have the choice to be loving and complicit with my mother no matter what. If I want to feel love and bonding, it’s only my choice and my responsibility. I have to do it for myself, no matter what. I have to accept that my mom responds to this as she sees fit and not as I expect her to.

I understand that I have to let go of my textbooks, my ideals about mother-daughter relationships. These are all different because we are all different. Every relationship is different and if I understand that the relationship that actually drives all the others is the one I have with myself, I understand the key to governing all the relationships in my life the way I want. Since it’s only me and I alone who can decide how I want to feel.

Thank you life. Thanks Mom. Thank you Brooke and everyone who inspired you to open the way for me to this fundamental understanding. Thank you, Mom, for finally being as you are, that is, perfect in your perfect imperfection and, therefore, still being an excellent teacher for me in life.

Question for the coach whom I thank for having read me: Will practicing accepting myself as I am and deciding who I want to be on purpose allow me to find out how to accept my mother as she is?