July 16 call, Katrina’s call, and playing the hand you are dealt

For me too, the July 16 call was life changing- the concept of circumstances took on a new dimension and was very healing for me.
Playing the hand I am dealt- and I’d like to add, then setting things up so that I am likely to get a better hand.

Katrina’s call on changing the past was also amazing for me.

I am in the phase of evaluating the last 18 years- why did I get involved, why did I stay, why could’t/didn’t I leave. It helps me very much to look at it as the hand I was dealt, at the time.

Right now, I am comfortable saying that at the time I was mentally and emotionally unprepared for what was to come and I stayed because I thought it was a call to learn to love and to continue to step up to be the best person I could be. At the same time I was in therapy to continue to overcome abandonment issues, mostly father but also entire family. It turns out that the guy I was with was a very proficient liar- so that when I had the opportunity to break free, I believed his words, (including “I would never lie to you”), which soothed me enormously, because at the time I was still mentally/emotionally unprepared to face the pain I would have to face. So although I did not choose to believe him 100% I also did not have to feel the pain, temporarily.

Another piece is that I gave over my independent career. I allowed myself to become a co-creator, his right hand man while he was the star, even though I am very ambitions and driven myself, and I had already proven myself in the past. I told myself I was doing this out of love and it was like being a mother for a family. I felt it was providing the correct foundation for immense structures to be built. And maybe that is right. However it also let me see that no matter what, that desire within me to be the creator and the dreamer and the doer is still strong, and I must cherish and protect that, no matter what anyone else says or does.

I am now grateful for this experience because I am now mentally prepared to face the pain I am facing, to see what it used to mean and what it can mean to me now. The experience taught me I can continually rise up and bring the best I can bear to the situation (a lot of learning and occasional wins). The experience helped me heal my past, recognizing that families are just people and fathers are just people, and whatever love and passion I felt and feel is the love and passion that flows through me. It never had anything to do with anyone else, and as long as I give myself permission to live and work through that love and passion- I do not need anyone else’s permission- then I will be able to soar, make the right decisions, and give myself over to my life in the strongest and most productive way.

I am now learning healthy detachment, individuation, independence, healthy interdependence.
I now know that the feeling in my gut -where I know I am compromising values dear to me- such as authenticity and freedom and my own creative work- must be the trump card- must trump those other needs and desires to attach. For a while, I compromised my values in order to get a few survival needs met. This taught me something about humanity- how people can do things they regret, how survival needs can trump their personal values.
I experienced first hand how humanity is complicated.

So in Abey’s terms, I now put my oar in the stream, start where I am, and guide my boat in the stream through intentional thought. My intentional thoughts will include: I bring passion and love to all that I do in my life, I continually listen to myself to ensure I am aligned with my values, I enter relationships very slowly and use discernment, to ensure I understand the values of the people before I attach to them, I attach very strongly and am a very loyal friend and colleague, and that’s OK. I have faith that in time I will find the best way to use my creativity and my intelligence and my love for people and the human condition.


ps please let me know what u think, whether u think some thoughts should be tweaked, etc 🙂