Okay so here goes…
Ive been dating a wonderful guy for about a year now.
He’s the sweetest, kindest and most loving guy I could’ve ever asked for.
But I just have so much thought drama that I just end up making him feel like he’s always doing something wrong.
From the very beginning, I was having a lot of doubt in being with him.
Mainly because I was judging him so harshly.
He doesn’t have a career.
Doesn’t have his own place
Doesn’t work out
Just goes with the flow and doesn’t plan his day.
You know… the things our parents and almost everyone tells us to look out for and not “settle” for.
So all I could ever see was the negative.
After doing your work, I realized how much I was judging him.
I’ve been really working on my thoughts.
Sometimes it’s really good and I think about him and get butterflies inside.
But lately… With a lot of other things I’m trying to work through… I’ve just been in reaction mode.
I lose my shit with him for a lot of dumb crap.
Sometimes I feel like he isn’t listening to me when we talk on the phone and I make it mean that he doesn’t care about what I have to say and he only cares about himself.
Just yesterday he made a sweet album on Facebook with pictures filled with me and him … and he wrote something so loving and kind on the description.
And I got upset… because I didn’t like one of the photos.
I hated how I looked and now everyone was going to see it.
I was so focused on that, that I couldn’t see how much love was put into the writing in the description and the joy in the photos.
I mean some days I wish he’d just break up with me because I know he doesn’t deserve me treating him this way.
Sometimes I think about just breaking it off myself because I don’t think we belong together.
Or that we need to have separate journeys to figure out what we want from life.
Don’t get me wrong we have times where it’s not like this and I feel sooooo much love for him.
Just listening to his heart beat reminds me of how he is just a human doing his best in this world.
Just like me.
Trying to find our way.
But most of the time…
I’m constantly feeling guilt.
Because he’s always content when I give him a call.
Somehow I always find something to be upset about to change the mood.
I know I’m not responsible for how other people feel but I sure as hell feel like I’m making him feel so unworthy.
It makes me sad.
I know I can’t change him. My thoughts are creating this drama. But sometimes in the moment … I don’t know what the hell im so upset about or why I want to start a fight.
I just want to feel love for him without constantly judging him and expecting all these changes.
Sometimes I think I haven’t accepted him because I haven’t even accepted myself.