Brooke,

I really am not sure where to start so I will just dump some thoughts out here…and ask for your wonderful insight.

I lost 50 pounds as a member of FA over a 10 month period. (February 2014-October 2014) I chose to leave because I wanted to have what you call “a joy eat” and a glass of wine on occasion. I did more thought downloads and came to realize that the main thought I was having was that I wanted to be “normal”. I am 5’4′ and at one point I weighed 114 pounds during my FA journey. I weighted 118 when I left. Everyone back then was always asking me what I was eating. They wanted to know what I was doing to lose weight until I told them I only ate three weight and measured meals and no flour and sugar. They thought I has three heads. I also didn’t feel that comfortable at that weight but it was empowering to know after so many years of thinking I wasn’t good enough because I wasn’t thin enough…..that I could lose weight. I felt like someone finally total me the secret to happiness….I always thought if I was just thin then I would be happy.

I had found you in February 2015 and began listening to your podcasts. I came and saw you in San Fransisco in early 2016 at the “How To Feel Better” one day gathering. It was awesome! You have really made an impact in my life and I sincerely thank you for doing what you do! I have been doing a great deal of thought work and have made a great deal of progress in showing up in the best version of myself yet.

It is now July 2017 – This morning I weighed 132lbs. I just got back from a weekend getaway with my husband at Geneva On The Lake in Cleveland. We did wine tasting and ate out all weekend. I don’t want to weight 132 I want to weigh 122…maintain a daily protocol, on Friday night and Saturday have up to 2 glasses of alcohol and a protocol dinner out if the opportunity arises. I would also like to have ice cream or dessert as a joy eat up to 2 times a month…

So how I do this? Can I do this? I started out doing this when I first left FA and now I am too loosey goosey and I am having negative thoughts about myself. My mind thinks my value is in the number on the scale, I am not good enough if that number isn’t 122 and I still worry too much about what others will think of how I eat…that’s not as important now I realize as I type..it is something else and I am trying to get to it. You say when we are not eating the way we “want” to eat or we go off protocol. Write down your reasons…I am spinning in stuff…judging myself and others…help ,me 🙂