Brooke,
I apologize because this is long and dramatic, but I need your help on this one.
I am very resistant to this month’s work. I am a very organized person. Clutter and disorganization trigger very negative thoughts in me. It is something that I have done a lot of thought work on because my husband is the exact opposite. He is very disorganized and leaves clutter all over the place. I have had to work very hard on my thoughts about him and that he is allowed to do whatever he wants and so am I–that it is my choice to pick up after him and stay with him. I am not exaggerating when I say that ALL of the messiness in our house is his stuff. If I know what to do with it, then it is put away where it belongs. I am also very good at saying goodbye. I have very little unused items or keepsakes, and I am very willing to go through and purge what I do have.
I know you said that if half the closet belongs to someone else then get them in there and ask them the 3 questions. The thought of doing that with him is so draining, he has never cooperated with me on this subject. I asked him last night to read the assignment and talk to me about what he wants to do because I will need his help in answering the questions to be able to do the work. He read it. Then he would not talk to me about it. He said “I don’t want to think about this.” When I tried to get him to talk to me so that I can move forward, he got very agitated and just repeated that he doesn’t want to think about it.
This has been an ongoing problem with us because I very much dislike the clutter and he is very much committed to living in clutter. I actually came very close to divorcing him over the laundry in the bedroom floor a few years ago. I’m sure you will think this is very dramatic, but I’m going to tell you about it so that you can see how I handle things and help me find a better way.
I have a laundry basket in the bathroom of our bedroom for our dirty clothes. He would never use it. His clothes were all over the bedroom floor. I asked nicely. He did not change. I attacked verbally. He did not change. I tried to talk to him to learn his side of the story to understand and find a solution. He would not talk. I tried ignoring his clothes and only washing mine. The piles just got bigger and I got more and more unhappy with my environment. I moved the basket to the bedroom, where he put the majority of his pile. He left them piled all around the basket—not one item inside it. To this day, I do not know why he refuses to cooperate with me on having a tidy and organized home. He literally just tells me to leave him alone whenever I try to work with him on a solution. Eventually, I rearranged the bedroom furniture so that my side of the bed is closest to the door and I just started kicking his stuff on his side so that my side stays clear. I have been doing this every day for many years.
I am not exaggerating when I say that you can go through my house and clearly see which areas are 100% mine and which ones are 100% his and which ones are shared. It is that obvious. My car does not need any cleaning. I keep it clean. Same with my desk at work. Everything has its place. I could find anything with my eyes closed. But the work you are asking me to do this month is in direct conflict with all of the thought work I’ve done to try to accept living with my husband as he is, and I don’t know what to do. I already struggle with wanting to leave because of clutter. I don’t leave because it feels like such a terrible reason to divorce an otherwise kind man.
I am having a ton of anxiety about this month’s work and lots of thoughts about how what I really want is to just leave him but I don’t allow myself to do that because I feel like it is not justified enough and that decision would affect everyone, not just me and him. I don’t know how to proceed with this month’s work.
Thanks.
Karen