A couple of months ago I advocated for myself when my voice coach said she was going to be running a conference to a community I’m deeply involved with.
It was really challenging, but in a follow-up email, I reminded her of my 20 years of experience as a voice coach in this area and said I would love to be considered to present something at the conference. She said she’d be delighted to have me, and that all conference presentations are being recorded in advance with a live Q& A
I then procrastinated for weeks about recording my video as the topic we discussed is not something I’ve ever prerecorded before. It’s a very experiential voice and movement type thing. Anyway, I finally recorded the whole thing on Saturday and I have a really hard time watching it. It’s a pretty left field for this community and honestly, I’m having a really hard time being OK with it. Here’s the model I’ve come up with:
C: I submitted my video for the conference
T: They’re going to think I’m a total idiot I’m coming off like a kook!
A: Spinning fantasies about them about liking it, unable to let it go.
R: Not sleeping feel awful every time I think of it.
I’m trying really hard to not reach back out to the conference organizer and tell them I’ll record something else because maybe I’m just making this all up in my head? But I don’t know that. This is also the first time I’ve been a presenter in THIS community. If I were presenting at an expressive arts therapy conference (which I have plenty of times) I’d feel fine about it, or if I were presenting LIVE in the room with people, but something about the video is making me feel SUPER vulnerable.