I’m feeling a lot of lack of empathy and resentment towards my kids lately. I’m having some health issues and I am very tired most of the time and have to rest. I don’t want them to make a lot of noise, I’m not very sympathetic if they’re upset and I’m feeling terrible about not making myself feel differently.
Sometimes I think about walking away and leaving them with my husband but I’m sure I would miss them and regret it. But my youngest had a fever recently and I just told my husband I couldn’t deal and had him stay up with him. I guess I have a manual about how mothers are supposed to react and when I don’t live up to that, I get upset.
I also noticed I have very little empathy for other people’s problems right now and even find myself resenting people talking about what I consider “easy” problems, that I imagine to be so much better than mine. I’m in a funk right now. I’m not liking myself or much of anyone else. I know that’s probably normal when you don’t like yourself, but… well I guess I’m thinking moms aren’t supposed to get sick, and if they do, they have to keep going and still be wonderful awesome mom and stay up all night with a sick child instead of asking my husband to do it and going to sleep.
Where to start with this? I think these are beliefs that don’t help. They’re pretty deep in there. And I’m concerned my lack of caring about other people is indicative of a deeper problem with myself… so many negative thoughts. And I feel like I was doing so well before the medical issues, but recently I’ve put a lot of things on hold, (business building, travel) and it’s a huge reflection on how I was defining myself as good because I was achieving and doing. Now that I’m not, I’m struggling to find something to base my self worth on. I’ve listened to the “good enough” podcast and did the questions, but I still have a squirmy brain around being good enough just because I’m here. I’m like yes, sure but… I’m supposed to be and feel ______ to be better than that.