Lack of motivation and thought work 3…

I am feeling stuck and am not moving forward in my job search. I am having emotions about my boyfriend of 3.5 , we may be breaking up. He has been sleeping with other people during breaks (or not) in our relationship. I prefer to be monogamous and have anxiety around cheating. have told him many times I don’t want him to sleep with others. He did it anyway. I find it interesting when I keep working on writing out the C’s of things that have happened, it is helping me reframe them as less wrong or emotionally triggering.

Latest coaching:
“Your brain thinks the fear is coming from your job situation, so it is trying to protect you from it by avoiding it altogether… The bad news first: perhaps right now, you may have negative emotions either way: the fear that comes from your thoughts about making a choice, or the discomfort that comes from your thoughts about not making a choice …”

“It’s interesting to note that this is applicable to your boyfriend too; you may at this moment feel a negative emotion whether you stay (unhappy/numb/disconnected/angry) or leave (lonely).”

“If you were going to experience the negative emotion either way, which one would you choose? ”

I think my go-to is to stay in the relationship until something ‘bad enough’ happens. Except, in this case, it kind of already has and I still am going to see him. I’ve broken up/had a break with R two times before, and I usually feel pretty good for the 2-6 weeks, and then start feeling pretty miserable and lonely, as I don’t want to start dating right away. I thought I was ready to break up with him this time. I want to say I would choose loneliness, but this week I choose angry, numb, sad, and disappointed. It’s almost like if I actually decided to lose weight or stop drinking, I would have to make a choice that was non-negotiable, or I was committed enough to return to it even if I messed up. Like really make a commitment. I made a commitment like that to myself when I divorced my ex-husband. I no longer wanted to be with him and I followed through with that change, though he disagreed.

“And what would it be like to hold space for yourself while you felt the negative emotions?”
I watched the recommended video and have been working on this for a while. I think adding the element of love to feeling my feelings is helpful because the process becomes a bit lighter and less difficult. I think holding space means that I don’t have to break up with R or apply for jobs if I don’t want to. Taking the “should” away, may allow me to make choices that are authentic. I think I often have made choices in the past based on what I think I should do. If I take the should away, I’m not sure I’m that motivated to make big changes right now.

“Checking in where you are feeling the emotional vibration in your body. Then describing the qualities of those vibrations (fast/slow, colour, temperature, constant/in waves, size, direction, etc.) Breathing it in, “welcome, Negative Emotion”. Sitting with it and seeing what happens with the vibrations – do they stay the same? Do they change?”
I feel heaviness in my throat and chest that I identify as sorrow, grief, and regret it is dark, heavy and fluid. I feel numbness and tingling in my arms and legs that I associate with anxiety. It is active and vibrating, red/yellow and constricting. I often hold on tight and stop or wish I could stop when I feel anxiety. I feel pressure in my face and chest, heat in my cheeks, and a clenched jaw and shoulders that I associate with anger. It is red and dark, and stabbing/throbbing. I’ve been working on feeling my feelings more intently and I feel like I’m having some progress welcoming my feelings and resisting them less. And I realized today that I want to feel sad, angry, and dismayed about R sleeping with other people. It’s a relief to stop resisting that.

“What do you think doing that with love would be like? What if you did know how?”
I think it would be radical self-acceptance. Like if I want to keep seeing him, or want to break up. Or I want to apply for jobs, or I don’t. And I act on those things or don’t, I agree to accept and love myself either way. And also accept the consequences of not choosing. But in a different way than I have in the past. Not blaming myself, but not resisting the truth.

I am realizing that it may be helpful for me to be more truthful with myself and R about what I want in a relationship.