Left behind

C: Friend sent fewer text messages to me this week versus previous weeks
T: I’m being left behind
F: Terror, panic
A: Ruminate about it, make up a fantasy about what she might be doing, tell myself she’s hiding something from me, get stuck in this panic cycle and resist the emotion, buffer with social media, withdraw from fully participating in my own life
R: I abandon myself

I feel okay about this model. I have compassion toward myself, and I understand exactly why I am having this reaction. It makes a lot of sense to me that when I think that I’m being left behind or left out, that I have a strong feeling of panic, especially with this particular person.

What I realized is that what I am really afraid of is that if this scenario does happen, that I won’t have my own back. I catastrophize the worst case outcome and tell myself that I couldn’t handle it. This does not have to be true. I’m not 100% fully believing it yet, but it’s a pretty significant shift right away.

I kind of asked myself what I needed to hear. Things like “it’s okay love, you’re healing” (stole that one from Brooke), “I can be with you while you feel this emotion”, and “I will not blame myself or seek my wrong-doings in this scenario.” That last one really worked.

C: Friend sent fewer text messages to me this week versus previous weeks
T: I notice I keep thinking that I’m being left behind – it’s possible that I will be – AND I can promise you I will have my own back if I do.
F: Compassion
A: Order protocol friendly dinner, practice a few more models from a place of curiosity, explore the scarcity mindset more and see how I can shift that if/when I’m ready, I practice having my own back
R: I have my own back and build trust with myself

I think there is still some more work for me to do on what it means to be “left behind.” I am afraid that this friend will be more successful than me. She will build this massive abundance and freedom lifestyle and I’ll be stuck struggling for my life. That is my deep fear. I think the feeling this brings up is scarcity, which, I’m certain doesn’t bring me the abundance I’m looking to create for myself. I’m definitely afraid of being alone, because when I think of other people who are in a more similar situation to me than her, I feel better again.